Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Bill Maher on Christians

Bill Maher recently had a rant on his show about Christians. While I take exception to a couple things he said, I think his main point is on the mark. I'd urge all Christians to listen to what he said, take it to heart, and consider how we're individually doing. Be warned for some strong language (I !$%#-ify the language, but I thought I'd give the warning anyway) :
....And finally, new rule: If you're a Christian who supports killing your enemies and torture, you have to come up with a new name for yourself.

Last week as I was explaining why I didn't feel at all guilty about Osama's targeted assassination I made some jokes about Christian hypocrisy and since then strangers have been coming up to me and forcing me to have the same conversation. So let me explain two things. One: I'm not Matthew McConaughey. He surfs a long board. And two: Capping thine enemy is not exactly what Jesus would do. It's what Suge Knight would do.

For almost 2000 years Christians have been lawyering the Bible to try and figure out how 'love thy neighbor' can mean 'hate thy neighbor' and how 'turn the other cheek' can mean 'Screw you. I'm buying space lasers.'

Martin Luther King gets to call himself a Christian because he actually practiced loving his enemies. And Gandhi was so !@#$ing Christian he was Hindu.

But if you rejoice in revenge, torture and war -- hey that's why they call it the weekend -- you cannot say you're a follower of the guy who explicitly said, 'Love your enemies.' ...and, 'Do good unto those who hate you.' The next line isn't, 'And if that doesn't work send a titanium-fanged dog to rip his nuts off.'

Jesus lays on that hippie stuff pretty thick. He has lines like, 'Do not repay evil with evil.' and, 'Do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you.' ...really. It's in that book you hold up when you scream at gay people.

And not to put too fine a point on it, but non-violence was kind of Jesus' trademark. ...kind of his big thing. To not follow that part of it is like joining Green Peace and hating whales.

I mean, there is interpreting and then there's just ignoring. It's just ignoring if you're for torture. are more evangelicals than any other religion. You're supposed to look at that figure of Christ on the cross and think, 'How could a man suffer like that and forgive.' ...Not, 'Romans are @%ssy, he still has his eyes.'

If you go to a baptism and you hold the baby under until he starts talking, you're missing the message. apparently our President who says he gets scripture on his blackberry first thing every morning, but who said on 60 Minutes that anyone who would questioned that Bin Laden deserved assassination should quote: 'Have their head examined.' Hey Fox News, you missed a big headline: 'Obama Thinks Jesus Is Nuts!' To which I say, "Hallelujah" because my favorite new government program is surprising violent religious zealots in the middle of the night and shooting them in the face.

Sorry, Head Start. You're number two now.

But you see I can say that because I am a non-Christian. ....just like most Christians.

Christians, I know. I'm sorry. I know you hate this and you want to square this circle but you can't. I'm not even judging you. I'm just saying logically, if you ignore every single thing Jesus commanded you to do you are not Christian. You're just auditing. You're not Christ's followers. You're just fans. And if you believe the Earth was given to you to kick @$$ on while gloating, you're not really a Christian. You're a Texan.